Nurturing Your Inner Child

Just kidding.

I am going through something similar to an “identity crisis”, although I don’t think that quite nails it. I have been learning Tarot Oracle and Metaphor cards for the greater part of a year now, and it’s so fascinating to me. I really can “read” them, and I could do it professionally, although I am not a psychic.

Having said that there are natural intuitive abilities that we all have, and I am able to do what anyone can do. The cards have shown me there is another world on the inside and that the mind is a powerful tool that is ready for programming. In fact it programs non stop, we just should really make that work to our benefit.

The “crisis” comes in when I realize that I can’t share it with people I know without exhaustive explanation. There are many misconceptions, and it’s just tiring to think about all I’ve learned in the last year, and then attempting to communicate that.

I can feel a healing coming on this year of co dependent relationships, and taking control of my thought patterns, and coming out of the full blown PTSD funk I have been in since I got back from over seas.

Today was an emotional day. To cap it off, I made some Ramen Noodles and found myself staring into them, and tears on my cheeks. I remember how the people I knew over there SHARED one single package of these noodles among two or three people, with rice of course. I suppose that’s not so bad, as long as you have some rice and maybe some other nibblet.  But I remember being so sad the first time I saw that. The kids were so tiny, and so undernourished, yet well cared for. I had already been there years, and had seen all manner of things before this. Even so, I remember that day, even with my terrible memory and broken brain that blocks everything. I think it was because I had never considered splitting one package among a few people. It is strange what stands out though. I had already witnessed abject poverty daily long before that moment. Who knows why certain things stick.

I hardly ever think of that place, those places and those times that were seven years of my life.

Saved

There Most Certainly Are Werewolves

Riddle at beakfast with his parents
you look tired, riddle
well, I most certianly am tired, dad
I stay up too late

is that right because I recall seeing you off to bed
promptly at the right time

well I’m awake for awhile before I sleep
talking to my werewolves

there are no werewolves

there most certianly are werewolves

dad smiles

—————-
listens outside the door

conversation at breakfast

ok then what did your werewolves have to say last night?

that’s private dad

dad frowns

dad gets scared and checks the closet under his bed,
etc
talks to wife
listens outside the door
ok well good night son,
good night dad
do you need a drink of water or
anything before you go to sleep
no, I’m fine

we’re right down here in case you
need us
I’m fine dad
go get some sleep, you seem tired

ok good night

—————-
so I was wondering
what are these werewolves names?

I don’t know if I can tell you that
well can you find out for me?
exasperated

I’ll see what I can do

outside door

just a minute please

dad, what are you doing?
nothing -looking over shoulder in to room
go to sleep, I’m worried you
don’t get enough sleep

ok dad, sorry.
ok then goodnight
——————
I can tell you only one of their names
one is named bird
Bird?
why is his name bird?

HER, and THAT I cannot tell you!

Why not?
I don’t want you to worry.

ok…

that night:
Dad making sure the window is secure
tripple checking everything…
Dad, I have to tell you something.
I don’t want you to be worried

well I do worry about you

well, the werewolves are
just in my imagination, ok?

oh they are?

yes, they most certainly are.

ok, well that does make me feel better
can you limit your conversations
to make sure that you get more sleep?
Just talk to them for a little while,
not a long time.

We can try that if it makes you feel better

ok

Riddle? I think you’re going to be a writer some day.

Riddle smiled and drifted off to sleep
without even saying goodnight to his werewolves.
——————————
cards for writing

Page of Pentacles
sublime start and setting

Knight of Cups
charming ethos

Magician
Manifesting potential, tappping in to strength the crecendo of the mystery

Five of Swords
limitations

And the Saga Continues

Plans, plans and more plans for this trip in March/April to Manchester/Paris.

The attending to of details has been surprisingly emotional. It’s just a trip, a journey, a vacation, so what is the big deal?  No, apparently, there is some evil Eye out there that feels I’m trying to take the ring to Mordor to throw in to the fires of Mount Doon (?), judging by its reaction to, or my inability to, complete the simplest of tasks needed to make this trip a reality, without some life altering lesson/obstacle thrust upon me and anyone else in cahoots with me.

.

Queen of Wands

Let’s talk about a card for distraction. This is the Queen of Wands as depicted by Stephanie Pui-Mun Law.  Oh that I could paint something so marvelous.  The Queen is of wands, the suit of fire, and that represents action and passion. She’s a Queen and that means the feminine, the receptive, the pouring out of emotion in service to others. She’s got energy and smarts, and I need her archetype for this upcoming week, so creative visualization, do your stuff.

I used to be so creative, and a few years ago that just stopped. It just dried up completely, and I’m not wanting to go back, but forward, and I suspect that my next stage of creativity is going to be much better than the last. I’m not sure how, or in what capacity, but it will be satisfying, I can guess that much.

The Court Cards can be puzzling, because while they do mean some specific things, you wonder what you’re supposed to get out of the manifestation of these qualities in to an actual persona. Am I a Queen? Is that a good thing? Is there such a thing as “the feminine” ? There is because we want there to be, and there can certainly be in archetypes, but is this too restrictive? Is that schema trying to hold me back, to bind me?  She’s an oxymoron this Queen of Fire, when queens are receptive and fire is active. I do know exactly how it works, though, considering that’s my personality in a nutshell, at least the extroversion.

Her downside is that her actions are not for good sometimes. When her energy is dark, her actions are for the worst reasons and for the worst possible gains.  She’s the shallow narcissist actress at her worst. At her best, she’s the bubbly expert, the natural teacher that infuses energy and excitement in to her presentation.

I just want her energy and beauty on a day to day basis.

Going, going… going.

I’m done having nerve racking meetings over the trust, and money is headed my way. I am then going to start booking my trip. It turns out that hotels in Manchester and Paris can be quite cheap. Yes, hotels in Paris are of a reasonable to super cheap price. If you want to stay in certain areas in fancy hotels, yes you can pay a lot if ya like. But the dates I’m going, in the end of March, there are even a zillion hostels available. I won’t opt for that, but I don’t know if people are aware of just how doable a trip to Paris might be with a budget. I was thinking of staying in that artsy district up by Sacre Coeur, but no I think I’ll stay near the Louvre. So I’m getting a round trip to Paris, and a round trip from Paris to Manchester. Also the friend I am visiting will go to Paris with me. It just seems like a dream. The prices seem like a dream. I am going to opt for a nicer hotel in Manchester, though since I’m just going to book there for two days and stay the rest of the time with my friend.

I won’t feel better until all the air fare and hotels are booked. Also as it turns out, both my friend and me have to update our passports that expire toward the end of February. That’s more expensive than Paris hotels.

I am reading also that Paris is a small city, and things are near, even if you stay on the outskirts, and the public transportation is everywhere. Every five hundred meters there is a Metro entrance, I guess.

Wow, Paris. I don’t care if it’s raining or whatever. The end of March, first week in April is fine with me.

The Trip

I am working hard on making this trip a reality. I have a conference call Sunday about what’s going on with the trust. I don’t like the obstacles of reality that keep me from just getting online and booking my tickets.  This is the right thing happening. It’s time for Saturn to sweep through the accounts and clear out cobwebs. If I was mature that would be my first thoughts and feelings on it, and not this sense of someone getting in the way of what I want right now, but I have growing up to do in this area.

There is also a sense of joy of abundance that I know how to have, but that is sorely lacking in this case. I feel like a stunted child. This meeting is going to launch things forward on the sale of the property, which actually I don’t want. But I should probably be looking at it differently. Whatever the case, I want to move on with my life past Sunday.